Solipsus

Quite recently, I posted that I had finished college/sixth form and that it had not quite hit me yet that I was never going to see my friends again and that my era at Charters has come to and end. Well only 3(?) weeks later, I am beginning to see the truth and it is getting to me.

I have been a frequent visitor at my sixth form over the last few weeks, doing jobs for next years school production of Oliver!, and making posters or just saying hi and every time I just feel weird that I do not see teachers as teachers any more or I feel like I do not need to justify my actions or dress-sense to any of the students there any more. I do not have to feel judged any more. Great huh?

On the downside though, I have not really spoken to any of my friends since the signing off day. They all seem to be moving on, going on holidays and enjoying themselves whilst I am just plodding along working a lot for my goal of getting some money behind me before University in September. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I sent out an e-mail to my Theatre Studies class asking if we could get together for a Take Away/BBQ the night before our results on 14th August, that I was happy to hear from people again. My Theater Studies class was my second family and it just felt strange that in a matter of hours when signing off, it all ended.

Here is to hoping that I at least stay in touch with some of them, if not all of them. Not going so well so far though. :/

P.S Sorry if this is a bit rambly, just tired.

Last nights eviction truly shows that there is a god. For those of you who do not know, I am one of those sad people who spend their evenings (roughly between 9 and 11) watching the Big Brother catch-up to see more of the bitch fights, flirting and laughable tasks and since day 1 I have disliked Mario.

His constant controlling of people, telling people off for their Health and Safety, and always reminding the other housemates that they need to take into consideration that Mickey is blind. Hello!? I don’t think after about 3 weeks in the house, they are all just going to forget that Mickey is blind. God. Stfu!

Another thing which I really did not like about him, and we possibly would not have seen if his partner (Lisa) had not been in the house with him as well: was that he was constantly hounding her about her being too friendly and thinking it is real life rather than “just a game”. Yes.. I think Lisa realises it is a game, but there is no harm in doing something you enjoy by being nice and helping others around the house by watering the pots or washing up.

As you can tell.. I really do not like Mario. I am glad that he went last night, as it gives the space that Lisa deserves in the house and hopefully she will come out of her shell as well. Plus, I don’t have to see his ugly face every time I turn on the television.

Very recently, I managed to get over my fear of the dark and slightly start to tolerate and dispose of spiders/insects. It may seem strange that a gentleman of nearly 19 years old was still battling to keep a small amount of light in his room at night to be able to see his surroundings or scream for help from his Mum or Dad in able to remove a spider from one’s bedroom, but in fact that was me up until a couple of months ago when I just seemed to get over it.

That was until last Sunday when my Dad had to fly out to Spain for an urgent meeting leaving my mother and I alone in the house (this has no relevance at all, I am just setting the scene, ya-know). At about 11 o’clock we decided that we were tired enough to go to bed and forget all our troubles. 15 minutes later, I feel something crawl up my arm whilst turning over in bed. I screamed, searched my bed sheets, found nothing so resumed to my slumber. Not 2 minutes later; I think to myself “No. This isn’t right. I did feel something.” So once again, I remove myself from my oh-so-comfortable bed, look under every bed sheet to find nothing and then think to look under my pillows. To my horror, I find a spider about the size of my hand standing where my head had been just 5 minutes ago! Needless to say, I scream again and get my Mum to throw it out of the window.

Since that evening, I have had to sleep with a lamp on, and have broken into a routine of scouting my room and all bed sheets for spiders before even attempting to go to bed. As the title says, I feel so annoyed that I had just moved forward in my life by getting over these fears; to then find myself back where I started, if not worse off because I feel so much more scared that I am going to have another spider crawl up my arm.